I Felt Like I Needed To Get Some Things Out.

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kojakwookiee
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I Felt Like I Needed To Get Some Things Out.

Postby kojakwookiee » Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:50 pm

I'm so angry. I'm like your typical teenager pissed off at the world.
There are so many things I want to see and do and experience. I just always feel like it's too late for me to live. That I won't be able to do what I want to do in life. I don't want to die without leaving a mark on the world. When I'm gone I want people to miss me, and care, and get sad that I'm gone. I just want to scream I feel like I'm splitting at the seams. I'm coming from the inside out. I care and yet I don't care. I'm a fuckup of a person. A vessel filled of contradictions. I say I don't want to be around people and I really don't, but then I'm scared of being alone. I say that relationships are a waste of time, but I want that someone for me. I don't understand myself anymore. Things come out of my mouth like I have a perpetual case of verbal diarrhea. I want you to see me and to know me and to understand. Am I asking too much of you? I'm not sure. Why can't you see me? What am I doing wrong. Was I born with the wrong tools? Am I socially, mentally, emotionally, physically flawed? Tell me what I can do to fix things. I'm a jumble of things and thoughts and ideas. I want to share my life with you and I want to share what I believe in. I want to speak and have others listen.
I want to make an impact.
I don't want to be a statistic, a stereotype. I want to be me and maybe that's my problem. I don't want to be like everyone else, yet...I am like everyone else. Nonconformity is a conformity in itself and nobody will ever truly understand you. I want to be GREAT. Maybe I aspire for too great of things. Are my expectations to high or too low. Am I too negative? Too optimistic? What am I trying to say right now? I DON'T KNOW. But I do know. Help me!!! Help me get the words out. Help me be myself. Why do I push my friends away, why am I mean? Why do I swear, and say things I don't mean. I walk into a room and automatically feel the need to leave my mark. Is that why I act the way I act and do the things I do-because I don't want to be forgotten. Are you like me, or am I like you? Why am I so paranoid, why do I automatically think that I'm not pretty enough or not like-able enough. I don't hate you, I hate myself. I am a horrible manifestation of my environment, the media, my fucked up past and family, and my own feelings and uncontrollable emotions. What or who can I blame but myself.
Am I just a pawn in the grand scheme of things. Do I even play a role in my own life?
What am I!!! What are you. Feel me, feel what I'm saying and understand it.
I feel crazy, am I crazy? Self doubt...this is where the betrayal of my own self sets in. "Why do you have to be such a fuck up?!" I will say to myself, and there will be no response, because I know not the answer. I don't know anymore. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, scream. Intelligible and moving, epic words flow out of me. I want to be an instrument a vessel, a vessel of what? Good. Evil. ??? What do I want out of life...what do you want out of life? Do you believe in God? I don't. I don't think I believe in anything anymore, and that isn't right of me to say...I try to believe in myself, and at times I do. Did I break your heart? I didn't want to, or try to. My heart is broken too, don't worry. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm beaten down, help me, help me get back up. I'd probably say I don't need you, but we both know I do. We are humans, we should help each other along, there should be no war, or violence. Maybe that is peoples ways of getting what they feel out, having a purpose. I sit here and spew my guts out on a keyboard, and you blow someones brains out. To each his own, to each his own, to each his own. Love me! Help me love myself, help me to learn to love others. Stop this internal war within me. I am fallen from grace. A girl with two sides to see. I'm talking to YOU. Are you listening?
Rejection, Rejection is what I feel from you.
Everytime you look at me in disspointment I feel as if a piece of me is being chipped away.
There is a constant tug a war of me trying to grow up and be my own person, and of what you want of me.
I'm being dipped in cast iron and bit by bit I am stiffening up.
I cannot feel anymore.
I want you to look at me and be proud mother.
You say "Where is my little girl, she never gave me problems. Where is the child that didn't cut her wrist, or cry at the slightest sting of a word. Where is my child that didn't wear black, or listen to heavy metal, and speak angry words?"
I'm here Mother, but I am ever changing ever growing. I'm still your little girl.
Please love me again, that's all I need.
Where were you when I cried myself to sleep as a mere girl of 6 years old.
I had to hug myself, rocking back and forth, for the fear that I was going to break apart.
Self consolment is something I had to learn.
I want you to say that is my daughter with a smile on your face.
Don't shut me out and cover me from the worlds eyes.
Don't be ashamed.
Look deep inside of me and see all that I can offer.
This is a rocky painful coming of age.
I'm changing, learning.
These ideas are growing bigger and expanding.
I have my opinions and my beliefs. My likes and dislikes.
I so want to be free of this cage of flesh and bone.
Let me think and be and live.
I want to see the sun, and not this overwhelming shadow of disgust for myself.
Why is society scared of what is different.
I've learned that people are afraid of what they don't understand.
I'm willing to let you know me.
I will spill my feelings to a stranger on the street just for the satisfaction of letting some of these emotions go.
I break the mold and am forever viewed as a problem.
Am I a problem?
Let my light shine.

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Postby ƒrosty » Sun Oct 04, 2009 3:05 am

Cool story, bro.

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Postby krishh. » Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:43 am

all i saw was 'angry' 'evil' 'humans' 'rejected' 'stranger' and 'betrayal'.
br00tal.
Voly wrote:You just got told by a sassy 13 year old.

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Postby Astica » Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:51 am

virally.yours wrote:I'm coming from the inside out.

*giggle*

You sound like Wayne. Try a change of pace/scenery and things should improve. Also time.

At least you acknowledge this is all just puberty.

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Postby kojakwookiee » Sun Oct 04, 2009 5:01 am

Yea I'm trying to move forward on a more positive note.

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Postby dickwad » Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:55 am

Astica wrote:
virally.yours wrote:I'm coming from the inside out.

*giggle*

You sound like Wayne. Try a change of pace/scenery and things should improve. Also time.

At least you acknowledge this is all just puberty.


i sure wish i still had that excuse.

and tl;dr @ original post.

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Postby Voly » Sun Oct 04, 2009 5:44 pm

Not reading it.
Astica wrote:That's probably the wankiest thing I've heard all day.

Elen wrote:If they were just bickering about politics, instead of indulging ERQ's passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing fuckassery, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

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Postby S. [Burned] Y. » Sun Oct 04, 2009 7:06 pm

I could only read the first few sentences, but, I know exactly what to say.

Welcome to the rest of your life.
/seriousness
For all we know humans are just weapons created by the world.
Yonaka Sanryu - This thread makes the EMOs slit their wrists.
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Postby kojakwookiee » Sun Oct 04, 2009 7:35 pm

S. [Burned] Y. wrote:I could only read the first few sentences, but, I know exactly what to say.

Welcome to the rest of your life.
/seriousness


Greeeeeat -_-

kojakwookiee
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Postby kojakwookiee » Sun Oct 04, 2009 7:36 pm

Voly wrote:Not reading it.


If you aren't going to read it then don't bother posting.

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Postby Voly » Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:45 pm

If you aren't going to read the rules, namely the ones about double posting, don't bother posting.

It's an open forum, holmes. I'll post where I want.
Astica wrote:That's probably the wankiest thing I've heard all day.

Elen wrote:If they were just bickering about politics, instead of indulging ERQ's passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing fuckassery, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

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Postby Astica » Mon Oct 05, 2009 2:13 am

Voly wrote:It's an open forum, holmes. I'll post where I want.

There are still rules though, and posting something totally pointless to say you have nothing to say isn't advisable.

kojakwookiee
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Postby kojakwookiee » Mon Oct 05, 2009 5:50 pm

Anyways has anyone ever felt like they weren't accepted by thier family or peers?

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Postby Guitar_clock » Mon Oct 05, 2009 6:15 pm

Fuck 'em :!: :idea:

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Postby Zyn » Tue Oct 06, 2009 12:31 am

I felt that way all the time, til I realized something: chances are, they're striving just as hard as you to be accepted. Point being, everyone wants to be like everyone else, or at least accepted by everyone else.

I'm just reiterating the previous post. People rarely think, and even more rarely think something positive, so find those people you are most comfortable with, and join them. If they're your friends, they'll accept you no matter what.

Everyone else, Fuck 'em.
S. [Burned] Y. wrote:Zyn, please stop telling the special ed kids of your school about this place.


Voly wrote:You just earned back all the many, many points I've taken away from you (mentally) since you've been here.

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Postby evilredqueen » Tue Oct 06, 2009 7:11 pm

That was certainly an emotional unloading. Welcome to the world.

You will answer all your own questions one by one. If you can't then the guys in the white suits come and get you or as we call it here .. "Pink Slipped" :)

You are discovering yourself... thats a good thing.
Zyn wrote:Because God knows ERQ has always been a font of sensible and well-supported opinions.

Voly wrote:ASSASSINATE ALL THEM GOT-DAMN NIGGER SYMPATHIZERS


kojakwookiee
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Postby kojakwookiee » Tue Oct 06, 2009 7:40 pm

evilredqueen wrote:That was certainly an emotional unloading. Welcome to the world.

You will answer all your own questions one by one. If you can't then the guys in the white suits come and get you or as we call it here .. "Pink Slipped" :)

You are discovering yourself... thats a good thing.


Lol pink slipped. Yea I just don't want to end up like everyone else, but of course nonconformity is a conformity itself.

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Postby evilredqueen » Tue Oct 06, 2009 7:49 pm

virally.yours wrote: but of course nonconformity is a conformity itself.


So you are like totally fucked correct?

Are you related to Frosty? :)
Zyn wrote:Because God knows ERQ has always been a font of sensible and well-supported opinions.

Voly wrote:ASSASSINATE ALL THEM GOT-DAMN NIGGER SYMPATHIZERS


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Postby some_body » Tue Oct 06, 2009 8:53 pm

i wouldn't doubt it
life scars us all.
some people where them on the outside,
others hide them on the inside,
but no one escapes unscathed.

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Postby Elen Sila » Tue Oct 06, 2009 10:46 pm

Viral wrote:Yea I just don't want to end up like everyone else, but of course nonconformity is a conformity itself.


Incorrect. Any conformist who claims to be non-conformist is just defiling the word "non-conformist."
DW wrote:anarch is more than slightly mental, he's completely fucking bonkers

Voly wrote:Do you reproduce by budding? Because if so, I'm so selling you to science.


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Postby evilredqueen » Tue Oct 06, 2009 11:28 pm

Oh fuck...

"Nonconformist was a term used in England after the Act of Uniformity 1662 to refer to an English subject belonging to a non-Christian religion or any non-Anglican church."

"A contradictive word. By not conforming to one thing you are in turn conforming to something else."

This word should be pulled from our language.

It is like me walking up to you and saying " Everything I say to you is a lie"
Zyn wrote:Because God knows ERQ has always been a font of sensible and well-supported opinions.

Voly wrote:ASSASSINATE ALL THEM GOT-DAMN NIGGER SYMPATHIZERS


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Postby ƒrosty » Wed Oct 07, 2009 12:37 am

Growth begins once you realize you're a fucking moron. (Not you particularly)

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Postby Astica » Wed Oct 07, 2009 1:58 am

Frosty wrote:Growth begins once you realize you're a fucking moron. (Not you particularly)

Fuck yes. I actually could not word this better myself, but I very much relate to realizing I was a fucking moron and growing up some.

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Postby Elen Sila » Wed Oct 07, 2009 4:29 am

@ERQ - A non-conformist is someone who doesn't try to be like others or care what others think. I don't know why you people think that there is no such thing as non-conformism. I think lots of people are non-conformists.
DW wrote:anarch is more than slightly mental, he's completely fucking bonkers

Voly wrote:Do you reproduce by budding? Because if so, I'm so selling you to science.




____

ƒrosty
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Postby ƒrosty » Wed Oct 07, 2009 4:36 am

Anyone who identifies with non-conformity, though, is defying the principle.


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