Cards Dealt

Post your artwork, photographs, poems, links to your flashwork, etc. here.

Moderators: HeRetiK, The inner Core

User avatar
Zyn
divine
divine
Posts: 1951
Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 2:27 pm
Location: Past the deep end and still swimming
Contact:

Cards Dealt

Postby Zyn » Wed Dec 01, 2010 12:41 am

This is a 1000 word, four-page short story I recently wrote for school. It is mostly metaphorical, a tale about an unusual poker game. Quite a challenge to write properly, since it's from 1st-person POV, something I am not used to. However, this does provide good experience for my next novel, due to be started early next year (because of damn Senior Project delaying me). If anyone cares to read it, then I ask that everyone leave a comment describing their personal attitude toward the story as a whole, some corrections and criticisms (no matter how minor) and some thoughts about the theme behind my writing. This will help me further my writing ability, and, should this treat be the one chosen to progress to the next level of Young Writers, will help ensure progress.



So, without further delay, I present to you:



Cards Dealt



I suppose it would be more dramatic to say that a lazy smoke filled the air like the wispy end of a phantom, or that the lighting was dark and moody as Sam Spade always seems to remember it. However, we were actually sitting in the relative shade of my back porch, the table arranged with the six of us in a hexagonal shape around it. A slight wind stirred the air, blowing away the scent of lemons a moment after we smelled it. Like a snake fighting the wind, though, more melancholy coils rose from the burning stick of incense in the middle of our playing field.

For atmosphere’s sake, let’s imagine that the lemonades and Pepsi glasses around the ring were really liquor and whiskey, that we were grungy and raucous after a long day in the iron mill, or after spending the past eight hours wrangling with black lung in the coal mines. None of this was true, though, as we all had mundane jobs and none of drunk more than a bottle of beer or a glass of wine. What story would be exciting on this premise, though?

“Good hand, dealer, good hand,” the guy to my left said. I nodded my faux appreciation to him; he smiled with that one missing tooth. At least that part of the story is something akin to the proper atmosphere. However, he lost the tooth in a mugging instead of a bar fight. Only a couple of weeks ago, he was robbed on his way home from the jewelry store. His girlfriend was glad he was alright, but, for some reason I can’t understand, he couldn’t help but apologize to her.

“I’m glad you like it,” I reply sarcastically. My own hand wasn’t bad either; I held two jacks, two nines, and a five. One away from a full house, which was more than respectable. “Now are you going to bet anything?”

“Fine, I’ll toss in a nickel. Happy?” he grunted in reply. Apparently, though, the next man in line was less than enthusiastic. He was never really enthusiastic, though, and that seemed to be the one thing that people liked least about him. His wife left him, I hear, because he couldn’t get excited about some big day coming up. I don’t remember what the day was, but I remember that they wanted to know if I was coming to shower with them, or something like that. Instead, I sent socks, like mother suggested. They were very small socks.

“I’ll call your nickel, but I’m not raising you anything,” he said. “You got any cards worth playing, Eustace?”

Eustace didn’t say anything. Eustace never did, because Eustace was too good for all us common folk. Eustace had a fancy psychiatrist that he went to, whereas the rest of us just had TiVo and the Sunday News. Eustace apparently raised us a dime, though, and I cursed silently. What gave him the right to raise an extra dime? It must have something to do with the fact that he once had a bagful of dimes. In fact, I heard he bought a bag of dimes almost every day. Traded all his stuff away for those evil dimes.

We all shifted our gaze to the next person in line, our scrawniest friend. No one was surprised when he said in his meek and meager voice, “I fold.” He showed his hand; two fours, a five, a six, and a seven. Almost a run, which was good, but he apparently didn’t want to take the risk of missing a three or and eight. “You guys go ahead and play.”

“Whatever, Bean. You never see a game through. I don’t even know why you come to play with us,” the man to my left said.

“I didn’t like the hand,” the man shrunk into his chair.

“You never like the hand, you never play the game, you never win anything. Why don’t you try something in your life, or did that mommy of yours screw you up in more ways than we heard?” the man accused. I wasn’t sure what construction had to do with anything, but I decided to intervene.

“It’s okay, he can come and play. It’s my table, and I don’t mind.”

“And they’re my cards,” said the last guy, “and I don’t mind.” He threw in a nickel and a dime to match the current bet. Pausing for a moment, he laid his cards down and turned behind him, fiddling with the bag of what appeared to be water dangling from a rack. I guess he’s just worried about being thirsty. A small guy like that probably has to worry about those things, I suppose. I gave him extra lemonade this time just to be sure he didn’t get thirsty.

After taking a few deep breaths to fill his proportionally big lungs, he said, “Everybody in, I guess, except Bean?”

After the players nodded, I held the deck. As people laid down cards to trade out, I set aside my own useless five. I gave the guy to my left two cards, the man farther left two as well, Eustace one card, the guy to my right three cards, and myself one card. Holding my breath for good luck like I usually do, I flip up the new card: another five. Sighing, I shrug.

“Well, isn’t that just pretty,” the guy to my left says. He lays down a full house of two fives and three sixes. The next man quietly folds. Eustace, silent, plays three aces, but he knows he lost. The thirsty man to my right scowls, but seems reluctant to play his cards. To keep pressure off of him, I play my two pairs. I lost, I know, but it was fun.

“So, what’d you have?” the guy to my right asks.

My thirsty friend smiles and lays down his cards while the others are gathered up. “Just a few face cards, nothing special.”



Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did the writing!
S. [Burned] Y. wrote:Zyn, please stop telling the special ed kids of your school about this place.


Voly wrote:You just earned back all the many, many points I've taken away from you (mentally) since you've been here.

User avatar
Astica
divine
divine
Posts: 7366
Joined: Sat Mar 18, 2006 8:57 am
Location: New Zealand

Postby Astica » Wed Dec 01, 2010 4:19 am

six of us in a hexagonal shape around it.

Do you really need to mention the hexagonal shape? It sounds kinda awkward.

and none of drunk more than

None of us drank more than?

Also, I liked the bit about the snake, but was a bit confused about the small thirsty guy with the proportionately big lungs. Also, don't you usually play poker with the cards 7 and up?

Voly
divine
divine
Posts: 8107
Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2007 2:57 am
Location: Ahead of the curve
Contact:

Postby Voly » Wed Dec 01, 2010 5:29 am

Poker uses the whole deck. What the hell are you playing?
Astica wrote:That's probably the wankiest thing I've heard all day.

Elen wrote:If they were just bickering about politics, instead of indulging ERQ's passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing fuckassery, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

User avatar
HeRetiK
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 7931
Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2003 7:50 pm
Location: yurop
Contact:

Postby HeRetiK » Wed Dec 01, 2010 8:56 am

An_Villain wrote:Poker uses the whole deck. What the hell are you playing?

User avatar
Azgarth
divine
divine
Posts: 5554
Joined: Fri Sep 21, 2007 12:30 am
Location: holland

Postby Azgarth » Wed Dec 01, 2010 11:25 am

no it doesn't. ever seen a joker in poker?
Music over Matter

Voly
divine
divine
Posts: 8107
Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2007 2:57 am
Location: Ahead of the curve
Contact:

Postby Voly » Wed Dec 01, 2010 3:11 pm

Only on accident, but I don't consider jokers to be a part of the deck. Deck's 52 cards. Anything after that is an expansion pack.
Astica wrote:That's probably the wankiest thing I've heard all day.

Elen wrote:If they were just bickering about politics, instead of indulging ERQ's passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing fuckassery, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

User avatar
Zyn
divine
divine
Posts: 1951
Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 2:27 pm
Location: Past the deep end and still swimming
Contact:

Postby Zyn » Wed Dec 01, 2010 5:34 pm

Uhm...5 card draw? I've never seen any game (sept Backalley Spades) that played the whole deck O.o
S. [Burned] Y. wrote:Zyn, please stop telling the special ed kids of your school about this place.


Voly wrote:You just earned back all the many, many points I've taken away from you (mentally) since you've been here.

Voly
divine
divine
Posts: 8107
Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2007 2:57 am
Location: Ahead of the curve
Contact:

Postby Voly » Wed Dec 01, 2010 6:45 pm

You mean you don't play poker with all the cards (sans jokers, which I have already said aren't a part of the real deck as far as I am concerned)?
Astica wrote:That's probably the wankiest thing I've heard all day.

Elen wrote:If they were just bickering about politics, instead of indulging ERQ's passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing fuckassery, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

User avatar
daemon
divine
divine
Posts: 2399
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:13 pm

Postby daemon » Thu Dec 02, 2010 12:55 am

We play poker with all 52 cards, all pairs count.

People around here and fascinated with Texas Hold 'Em..

Voly
divine
divine
Posts: 8107
Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2007 2:57 am
Location: Ahead of the curve
Contact:

Postby Voly » Thu Dec 02, 2010 1:38 am

I love Hold'Em.
Astica wrote:That's probably the wankiest thing I've heard all day.

Elen wrote:If they were just bickering about politics, instead of indulging ERQ's passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing fuckassery, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

User avatar
Zyn
divine
divine
Posts: 1951
Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 2:27 pm
Location: Past the deep end and still swimming
Contact:

Postby Zyn » Thu Dec 02, 2010 1:46 am

What do you mean, play all the cards? In one hand, or just using the entire deck? Because if you mean the latter, I don't know what you're referring to; they're using the whole deck.
S. [Burned] Y. wrote:Zyn, please stop telling the special ed kids of your school about this place.


Voly wrote:You just earned back all the many, many points I've taken away from you (mentally) since you've been here.

User avatar
daemon
divine
divine
Posts: 2399
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:13 pm

Postby daemon » Thu Dec 02, 2010 2:32 am

Zynathias wrote:What do you mean, play all the cards? In one hand, or just using the entire deck? Because if you mean the latter, I don't know what you're referring to; they're using the whole deck.


Amy wrote:Also, don't you usually play poker with the cards 7 and up?



o.O

User avatar
Zyn
divine
divine
Posts: 1951
Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2008 2:27 pm
Location: Past the deep end and still swimming
Contact:

Postby Zyn » Thu Dec 02, 2010 2:56 am

I...but...what?!

Okay, someone take this very slowly and just explain what in the hell they mean.

@ Astica, I've never heard of a game of poker that involved only 7s, 8s, 9s, 10s, jacks, queens, and kings. Unless you're implying that I omitted the use of those cards, in which case I point out the use of jacks and nines.

@ Voly/ Az, I've rarely heard of jokers in poker.

@ Voly/ Hery/ Whoever else, The game of poker, in my experience, always includes the use of the entire deck, as portrayed in the story. They have everything from 2's to jacks in play at any points, not counting the nameless "face cards". The entire deck is used. I'm not sure what else you could mean.

@ Astica, again, the hexagonal part is most likely unnecessary, but I started out thinking "Alright, I have to somehow break 800 words with this." but ending with "STOP WRITING, DAMNIT."

Now speak to me as if speaking to one handicapped with great autism.
S. [Burned] Y. wrote:Zyn, please stop telling the special ed kids of your school about this place.


Voly wrote:You just earned back all the many, many points I've taken away from you (mentally) since you've been here.

Voly
divine
divine
Posts: 8107
Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2007 2:57 am
Location: Ahead of the curve
Contact:

Postby Voly » Thu Dec 02, 2010 4:02 am

Do not use shapes when you write. It is very bad. Don't say heck-sa-gon-al. That's a bad word.
Astica wrote:That's probably the wankiest thing I've heard all day.

Elen wrote:If they were just bickering about politics, instead of indulging ERQ's passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing fuckassery, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

User avatar
Astica
divine
divine
Posts: 7366
Joined: Sat Mar 18, 2006 8:57 am
Location: New Zealand

Postby Astica » Thu Dec 02, 2010 10:38 pm

^What Voly said. It sounds kinda awkward, like I said before.
Also, I haven't played Poker in ages, but I know some places cut out the cards 2 - 6. Not for Texas Hold 'Em, though. Only card game I've played recently is Uka, to be honest. Although I miss poker.

Voly
divine
divine
Posts: 8107
Joined: Mon Nov 26, 2007 2:57 am
Location: Ahead of the curve
Contact:

Postby Voly » Fri Dec 03, 2010 6:45 am

I think some poker tournaments take out 2-6 but I don't play in tournaments.
Astica wrote:That's probably the wankiest thing I've heard all day.

Elen wrote:If they were just bickering about politics, instead of indulging ERQ's passive-aggressive, self-aggrandizing fuckassery, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.


Return to “Art & Creativity”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests