help me edit and fix

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help me edit and fix

Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Sat May 03, 2003 4:27 pm

this poem..i dont know anything about poetry except i right it..

as blood covered the ground
and a tear rolled down his cheek
his dreams of escaping
thought to be shattered
but now
and then, forever more
he will dream forever
in his eternal sleep
eternal dream

now not only escaped
but forever
forever
forever
free from this harsh reality

think still
think hard
every night,
every night in our dreams
you can,
you can escape this reality

unless you let they,
never thy will they lock up
your dreams,
your mind

so think still
think forever
think hard
You too can escape
at the fall of thy sun,
the beginning of night,
in thy dreams you can escape,
escape this harsh reality,
as he did in his eternal sleep
They can never lock our mind up, and at thy sundown we can escape,escape in our dreams

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Postby HeRetiK » Sat May 03, 2003 6:58 pm

I like the eternal sleep, eternal dream as a way of escaping reality theme very much.

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cool

Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Sat May 03, 2003 7:36 pm

thanks too bad ma poem has such bad composition and punctuation
They can never lock our mind up, and at thy sundown we can escape,escape in our dreams

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Postby Spaced Ape » Sat May 03, 2003 9:59 pm

fuck you....go to hell.....biznitch
Is there a promised land
Or am I on the journey going to nowhere?
Are the streets paved with gold
Or am I slipping on the mold that slowly grows there?
DevilDriver - Monsters of the Deep

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.......

Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Sat May 03, 2003 10:33 pm

sometimes..........................
They can never lock our mind up, and at thy sundown we can escape,escape in our dreams

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Postby Spaced Ape » Sun May 04, 2003 3:57 am

HeRitek....just one day of Admin.........one day.
Is there a promised land

Or am I on the journey going to nowhere?

Are the streets paved with gold

Or am I slipping on the mold that slowly grows there?

DevilDriver - Monsters of the Deep

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Postby HeRetiK » Sun May 04, 2003 8:44 am

you wish.

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Postby Spaced Ape » Sun May 04, 2003 5:35 pm

im just kiddin with yall....the poem is funny.

KING OF CORRUPTION!
Is there a promised land

Or am I on the journey going to nowhere?

Are the streets paved with gold

Or am I slipping on the mold that slowly grows there?

DevilDriver - Monsters of the Deep

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Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Mon May 05, 2003 2:12 am

.................. :evil:
They can never lock our mind up, and at thy sundown we can escape,escape in our dreams

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Postby croovman » Tue May 06, 2003 11:45 am

:.-) beautiful ... truly beautiful.

*listens to 'kong-foo fighting' with HeRetiK*

...

:?
Image

WaNT bREAd?

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Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Tue May 06, 2003 5:33 pm

i asked for comments and help :cry: than ppl just go off and i dont know.............
They can never lock our mind up, and at thy sundown we can escape,escape in our dreams

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Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Sun May 11, 2003 4:54 am

oh yah of course just discard my poetry
They can never lock our mind up, and at thy sundown we can escape,escape in our dreams

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Postby HeRetiK » Sun May 11, 2003 11:29 am

let me try changing the line construction of the first 2 paragraphs a bit:

as blood covered the ground
and a tear rolled down his cheek
his dreams of escaping
thought to be shattered
but now
and then
forever more
he will dream
forever
in his eternal sleep
eternal dream

now not only escaped
but forever
forever
forever
free
from this harsh reality

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Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Sun May 11, 2003 5:29 pm

thanks
They can never lock our mind up, and at thy sundown we can escape,escape in our dreams

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Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Thu May 15, 2003 2:44 am

omg omg everyone gather round im working on a new poem
They can never lock our mind up, and at thy sundown we can escape,escape in our dreams

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Postby HeRetiK » Thu May 15, 2003 10:17 am

*waiting*

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Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Thu May 22, 2003 1:43 am

well to tide ya over heres a whole bunch of poetry by Jen a what i call "site/emailfriend"

Poetry~~Jen Alexander



The world veiled in a curtain of black
Heart ripped apart,
Blood just under the skin,
Urging to be let loose.

Under the velvet sky,
She weeps,
Lost amongst the death of her soul,
Love dies once again.

A bitter empty shell in place once more,
Heartbreak beneath her walls,
Nonexistent once more,
She becomes what she used to be.

NOTHING!!!!!


Once upon a time,
When the world was mine
Happy little girl,
Childish dreams
Wishes placed on stars.

Once upon a time,
The world changed hands
Strange girl,
Darkened dreams
Tears placed on what used to be.

Once upon a time,
Death was mine
Fucked up girl,
Razors edge
Placed on broken skin.

Once upon a time,
Voices chanted
"Die, no one cares"
Hope flees as I die
Broken spirit, freed at last.

Ask me questions,
I'll tell you lies,
Look into the eyes,
Hardened by sorrow.

An ache so hollow,
Fills this empty space,
Emotions show no longer on my face,
The demons hide during the light of day.

Spark of humanity, likened to a needle in the hay,
Empty and faded,
Wondering how I became so jaded,
Time and again love fails me.

I wish I could see,
The beauty of the world again,
Looking out over the river Thames,
Peaceful at last.

Looking through eyes darkened by the past,
Thinking I'm not good enough for you,
Trying to tame jealousy I have no right to,
Wondering where to start.

The words come from the heart,
Warmth in the cold,
Melting the ice of my soul,
Sweeping in my veins the unknown power of love.

Look at the stars above,
Know that it is true,
I love you more with each passing day,
No matter what I do that will never fade.


Angel of Light:

Haloed in gold,
Your eyes alight my soul
Stealing my breath,
And holding me captive.

Your smile gives,
My heart tiny wings
Fluttering in my ribcage,
Stilling all movement.

My heart beats,
Within your breast
I am yours,
Held in place with your words.

Come to me now,
My angel
Let your halo shine,
On my wounded soul.

Speak your words,
My angel
Hold them true,
As I do mine.

Oh my angel,
My love is like a flame
Consuming everything,
Leaving the past in ashes.

Angel that is what you are,
Save my from myself
Guide me into the light,
And your love.

Forever, angel,
That is all I need
Days spent happily,
In your halo of gold.

Demon Wings:

On the Wings of a demon,
She flies
Far away from her crystal reality
Seeing through everyone.

On the wings of a demon,
She dodges sunrays
Blinding light flashes through her soul
Melting her pain.

On the wings of a demon,
She flies
Thoughts and feelings surface
Hope exists no longer.

On the wings of a demon,
She falls
Floating to the earth
She lands on the hard cold ground.

On the wings of a demon,
Her soul flies
Free from pain, sorrow, anger
Free from life.

Passion:

Bloody kisses,
Tongues meeting
With copper tang,
Crimson lips meet crimson lips.

Roughened passion,
Bruising strokes
Nails claw the back,
Shattering climax.

Gentle kisses,
Lips meeting
With love and tenderness,
Tongues slide together sweetly.

Sweetend passion,
Sensitive strokes
Holds tighten,
Shuddering climax.

Love expressed,
In different ways
Passion rages,
Desire lives on.

Mystic Dreams:

Dreaming in love,
Its colours pasteled.
Simple and true,
Like white flash of lightning
The beauty lingers.

Dreaming in passion,
Its colours bright.
Desire reflected in eyes
Rythm changes,
The need to be one remains.

Dreaming in depression,
Its colours bleak.
The thick grey fog consumes
The spark in eyes fade,
Forever lost amongst the fog.

Dreaming in hatred,
Its colours blinding.
Unfolding in time
Rolling like thunder,
Love flees.

All these dreams,
We've had.
Colours changing
Like emotions yet,
Our souls survive.

In these dreams,
We freely be who we want.
You remain my heart
And I remain,
Your mystic dream.

Raging Storm/Love

Anger rages in the storm outside
Crystal tears fall from clouds
Passion flares in lightning flash

Anger rages inside you
Crystal tears fall from my eyes
Passion flares in our voices

Emotions rolls with the thunder
Anger, passion become one
Pain, tears mingle on my cheeks

A simple storm reflects us
Intense, beautiful pure
Anger, sadness, passion collide

Two souls meet, engage
The storm of love rages
Souls of two become one

When love fails you,
And fades from your eyes,
The hatred grows,
And there the magic dies.

The magic that was there, now gone,
Nothing more than a faded grey memory.
Together......
Funny, how there never really was a "together".

What's wrong with me, you ask?
Everything.
Difficult to bear, huh?
Yeah. Maybe.

If I'm not strong inside,
Neither are you.
We both know that.
You and I try too hard.

So here we are,
Standing divided.
With songs that remind me of you
In my ears.

Now you have it all,
To save for another rainy day.
But in your hatred,
Who will be there when the storm breaks?

Dream Weaver:

He is both friend and brother,
Secret lovers in our minds,
My personal dream weaver.
His mind is wise,
His soul is old.
Yet he remains wild,
A spirit that will never be tamed.
A heart of gold,
And the simplicty of a child.
A shoulder to cry on,
A never ending smile
When needed the most.
A kind heart,
And caring eyes.
His spirit is not unlike my own.
Friend, brother,
Lovers in mind and spirit,
My personal dream weaver
Throughout the ages.

Memoire de une ange sombre:

Feathers float to the ground,
As her wings are broken,
Dark angel no longer.
Life has meaning once more.

She raises her head,
And faces the sun,
As her darkened soul
Becomes white.

Purity and hope,
Smile on her,
As pain and sadness.
Mingle with the feathers.

Dark angel no longer,
He smiles at her,
Love shining in his eyes.
His devotion brought her back to life.

Feathers float to the ground,
As my wings are finally broken,
Dark angel no longer.
You made me free.

Blood Flow:

Pain and pleasure
Divine signs of humanity
I mix them both.
Bringing them to my victims.

Blood flow
Sweet than wine
Liquid silk coursing.
In the veins of the living.

Love and hate
Divine signs of humanity
I feel them both.
And the thirst builds.

Blood flow
Sweeter than wine
From your heart to mine.
I bring the kiss of death.

Life and death
Divine signs of humanity
I take one and bring the other.
Walking through the night



If you like this poetry visit Jen's live journal here
www.livejournal.com/~sweetcharade

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Postby -ab-stract-ion-ism- » Thu May 22, 2003 1:44 am

i dotn like sharing my poetry until it is completely revised and finished not including my other poem
They can never lock our mind up, and at thy sundown we can escape,escape in our dreams


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